Plans for an Orange Sky

"If there were no automatic bids, they'd (Arizona State, Syracuse, et al) all be in," said former coach and eternal hothead, Bobby Knight in reference to what he deems to be a flaw in the NCAA Tournament. Knight, who was only able to coach a team out of the first round of this shambolic field of 65 twice in the last 14 years, went on to announce his plans to alter the tournament to a field of 128 teams in which no team automatically qualifies by winning their conference tournament.

"I just feel like the basketball has always fit too conveniently through the hoop," Ol' Red Nose added later. "If we make it oblong, it will make dribble-driving less effective and shooting percentages will go down." When questioned about his comments regarding the size of the tournament, merits of inclusion into said tournament and shape of the basketball, the hunting enthusiast just berated a local paper hack, stating, "You'll never be as good as your father was. Kiss my ass. I heard you fuck sheep."

Stunned, the local paper hack stuttered for a moment before Knight continued, "I know that, for as long as we can all remember, we've awoken to find a blue sky. I've never understood the science behind it, per se, but surely a better solution would be to put for a plan for an orange sky. That way, when our livers have given out due to excessive drinking, no one will be able to casually see our jaundice."

As Digger Phelps nodded and patted him on the back, the model citizen slumped back in his chair, crossed his arms and said, "When we sing the National Anthem, it's never made sense to me that we refer to it as a 'star-spangled banner,' even if that is the title of the song. Shit, clearly it's a fucking starred and striped flag. We should fucking change the fucking words to fucking say so. That way none of you cunts will be confused about what we're singing about. Ass. Shit. Fuck."

Frustrated with the lack of eyebrows being raised and disgusted at the amount of attention being diverted elsewhere, Knight left the set and clunked away in his car with square wheels.

"I don't quite know what ESPN was thinking, hiring someone to provide analysis to a competition that has never cared much for it," should have been but wasn't the response from ESPN biwigs the day after the Selection Committee announced the brackets for their hugely popular and well-liked tournament. Really, why should they be surprised at the outcome of their decision to hire a man that said, not coincidentally after losing a first round game in 2002, that he always thought they should just take the 64 best teams and do away with the very essence of the tournament? The inevitably poor result of hiring a man that once said he would consider denying a bid to the NCAA Tournament in favor of a better-paying NIT bid has also led ESPN to halt its plans to have Jim Rome provide color analysis for this summer's Euro 2008 soccer competition. Curbed plans also include a proposed contract extension for Stephen A. Smith to provide analysis of anything at all.